Taking Stock of Your Friendships
If only we had unlimited numbers of friendships and all were perfectly encouraging, life would be ideal. But we all know that is not how it works. Sometimes ending friendships is the only way forward.
Reasons for Ending Friendships:
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You Grow Apart
Often this happens with friends from your childhood, or someone you went to school with or started working with early in your career. You had something in common in your life, and then you both moved on.This in itself is not a reason to end the friendship (and can in fact be good for the relationship), but if it gets to be too much trouble, it is time to end it. Many times these friendships naturally fizzle out over time.
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Hate or Violence
You cannot be friends with someone when your safety is threatened. More than that, if the friend is hateful towards others, it can bring you down. Just end it as quickly and firmly as you can.
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If the other person wants to end it
No matter how much you may like someone or enjoy spending time with him/her, he or she may not feel the same way. Trying to hold onto something when the other person has given up is just torturing yourself.
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Toxic Friend
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The Negative Friend:
Some friends are negative people, always complaining and dwelling on the bad. Maybe they only want to talk to you or hang out with you to go over all the negative things that have happened to them or people you know. You do not need to be pulled down by this kind of behavior. I had a mentor in my life that helped me a great deal at the beginning of my career. He was so negative that periodically we would have an argument and our friendship would cool off for a while. We would reconnect, and I was always hopeful that the potential (in him and in the friendship) would be realized. But it never was. A couple of years ago I finally decided to cut the cord forever.
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The Insecure Friend:
I had another friend who had a lot in common with me (age, lifestyle, interests). But I began to notice that he would refer to things about me that weren’t exactly true, despite my having said the opposite. He wanted to be friends but he wanted to change me into the friend he wanted. Eventually we discussed it, and I learned that his own insecurities had created a pattern. He began working to change. Unfortunately for us, the damage between us was done. You have to let other people be who they are. Otherwise it isn’t a friendship.
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The Friend Without Boundaries.
When I was had recently lost my partner, I befriended an elderly lady who lived alone. We went to concerts together, out to dinner and shared some really nice conversation. I slowly learned that her own loneliness and boundary issues would take over my whole life if I wasn’t careful. She would call dozens of times a day, and if I didn’t answer or wasn’t home she would leave endless voice messages. I tried to define my own limits. That caused a nasty fight in the middle of a nice restaurant. She died not long after of heart problems. You cannot change people. You cannot help people who do not want to be helped.
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Lies
This should speak for itself, but if the other person cannot be truthful with you or about you, it isn’t a friendship. It is hurting you and if calling him or her out on the lying doesn’t stop it, the friendship must be ended.
Reasons to Keep a Friendship Going:
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You both want to
Despite everything said above, if both of you want to be friends and are committed to making the friendship better, then give it another shot. As long as the friendship is not making you unsafe, unhealthy or causing you to do something illegal or immoral. The desire to grow together is one of the signs of a true friendship.
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Special Shared History
A friend I met in eighth grade and I will always be friends. We have since gone in completely different directions in our lives, and even live in far away states. But the past we share together is irreplaceable. We shared our teen angst, first loves, and so many life milestones that we understand each other in a way nobody else does. When we do chat or see each other, we share a bond that is unbroken.
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You cannot let go
This is the tricky part, because it could easily be that you are acting unhealthy. You could be trying to hold on to the friendship or the other person out of fear or to control him/her or out of habit. But there are times (and it’s the kind of thing novels and movies are written about) when you really feel the friendship is too important to let go of. You might need professional guidance, and you might need space apart for a while, but some friends are worth fighting for. Just make sure you respect the other person.