Beach Retreat (last week of 43)
Last week I spent a week at Holden Beach, NC relaxing, enjoying the ocean views and breezes. It was a great week of spending time with my mother and her dog. You can’t really tell, but that is me swimming in the ocean in the first picture. Cooper is in the other two.
Transitional Feelings and Thinking
Lately I have felt stuck in place. I want to do things and even get a little excited about the thought of doing things and getting going with my goals, but I feel like I am hitting a solid wall.
I know from experience that the emotional or other things blocking my way will not yield to pressure. And I know that sheer willpower will not help. The more energy pushed against the blocks, the more power the blocks seem to have.
When I feel the disconnect between wanting to do something and the ability to get up and do it, I focus on my breathing. I simplify the entire universe down to the simplest task. Move across the room and put that book away. I add one more task and then another and hold off the urge to collapse into the void as long as possible. Often the energy gets me going, and I can take a walk or do some other movement. I focus on the movement and soon enough my creative juices fire up, and I’m thinking about the next thing I can do that is directly in line to reaching my goals.
I always feel that I should be able to do more, that I should have more spiritual energy. Making sure I eat, sleep and take care of general life maintenance helps stop a downward spiral. Sometimes for me this is also made worse because I spend so much time alone.
Turning 44 and “Middle Age” Thinking
Turning 44 has also made me aware that I am middle age. I hear people much older than me describing themselves as middle age, but 44 is technically middle age for some who lives to be 88.
Sure I would like to live longer than that, if I can be productive, connected and healthy. But reality has to be faced, I am in the middle portion of my life. And I DO know that, and it has made me feel sad. Sad for the loss of the things I wanted to do when I was young that I will never do. Guilty for having wasted so much time, for having not taken full advantage of relationships with people who are no longer around (either no longer on the planet or just not in my life).
The last year I feel like I have been so slowly, painfully slowly, getting rid of some of this negative weight. Old worn out ways of thinking about my life have been falling away. I have looked around at my possessions and see things that no longer apply to my life, and I have begun clearing them out.
Mostly, though, it is about reminding myself to pay attention to the present. Don’t beat myself up about the past because it cannot be changed. The future is full of so much uncertainty that spending too much time there (my natural mode) is not healthy.
I do not feel sad about this point in my life; actually when I think about it is is with awe. If I am at the midpoint of my life, I have as much time and experiences to come as I have already. That excites me!
Goals for Turning 44
The list of things I would like to achieve/change is miles long. While on vacation last week, I really thought about what the biggest things that I want to do this year. I distilled all of my anxiety down to four things that have been in my thoughts lately.
- Get my energy flowing
- Lean in to some of the pain and fears I have been avoiding for a long time
- Be more patient with my husband and mother
- Explore my southern heritage