At 21, I was full of idealism and ideas. My mind was full of story ideas and projects of all kinds. I had a strong burning desire that I wasn’t going to be wasting time, that I wasn’t going to spend my life doing humdrum work. I made a pledge to myself that I was going to experience as much of life as possible, and experience people and experiences from across as wide a spectrum as possible.
It is now twenty years later, and I have and some great experiences. But lately I have been aware that there isn’t as much to show for it as I would like.
Running from fears
When I think back over the things I wanted to accomplish and didn’t, I realize that the common element is fear. Too often I was too afraid to try to do something. When I did try, I let the stresses and fears build up and basically gave up. As sorry as I am that I gave up on some things, I at least had those experiences. The things that really nag me are the opportunities I never experienced because I never tried, never started, or never even looked into.
Fate plays its cards
In addition to my own choices (and non-choices), the universe itself had some surprises for me. Deaths and illnesses of people close to me. Financial setbacks. Angry bullies in the form of supervisors and clients. I was also distracted by love more than once, which brings us to the point that not all detours are negative.
Time passes by, living and never wasting time
In fact, when I wasn’t doing what I felt was important or what I was “called” to do, I was still living. I developed relationships, had all kinds of life experiences and started developing a set of spiritual survival skills. I learned to ask the questions that have led me to this point (doing this blog, for instance).
Letting go, moving on
Looking back, I can see that some of the things I wanted to do and didn’t were things that were not right for me anyway. Many of them could still be done. What is left, the things I could have benefited by and are no longer possible, tend to cause me anxiety and haunt my dreams. I am realizing that there isn’t anything I can do about it. I need to let them go. Focus on what is possible.